Online Dating

  The world is a cold and lonely place. It's a harsh reality that the only way to make it in this world and to not die alone is to be beautiful, either on the exterior or deep down inside. Now luckily some of us have been blessed with both but what about those poor chuds with the face of a train wreck and the heart of a sex offender. Centuries ago they would have been forced to wander the world alone roaming from brothel to brothel in search of an unfortunate as equally ugly as them. Luckily for them we stand in the twenty-first century where everything from true love to free Viagra samples are just a lonely, limp click away.
   It broke my heart recently to hear that one in five relationships start by online dating. Another way to look at this is one in five people are Lord Of The Rings fans. But have we really turned a corner on perpetual loneliness or are we really just giving these horse faced losers one more reason to give up. I'm certain these people aren't so much happy as much as the pair have realized they are equally undesirable and decided that dying with someone they loathe and wouldn't touch with a forty foot pole is better than to die trying to find someone they would be happy with. Now don't get me wrong, there are some out there who merely suffer a social handicap and the removal of the face to face encounter is really all they need to be able to communicate with the fairer sex. Or same sex. Hell, at least it's sex with someone else. But if you just flat out refuse to even try talking to someone then maybe dating, online or otherwise, isn't for you. You know what might be? Porn. Lot's of porn. Like forty years worth of porn. And the beautiful part about internet porn is forty years later when erectile dysfunction and generations of self abuse take hold, if you can summon the energy to drag the mouse slightly to the right, you can order yourself some free Viagra and keep the lonely party going.
  But seriously people talk to someone you're attracted to. Because whether or not your bald, fat, gay, have an addiction to porn and need Viagra to function or just plain suffer from your run of the mill anxiety; we're all douchebags. And even if you're Kanye West, being a complete and utter douchebag, makes you one Fugly chud.


     So in short. Put down the lotion, fake some confidence, avoid dating schemes, and Kanye West is a douche.          

                                    Thank You