I Thought Majority Ruled

   A poll was recently undertaken on the CTV news website in which you were able to vote whether or not marijuana should be legalized. After a DEVASTATINGLY one sided outcome, (spoiler alert. It wasn't against) the globe and mail has published in today's issue, the harmful, often forgotten health issues that arise from its use, (Doritos stocks skyrocketing). The globe and mail is also the EXACT rag that printed en mass the article in which politicians laid out their plans to legalize and sell MDMA (ecstasy) in your local convenience store. Quoting the reason MDMA is so addictive, dangerous, mind altering, potentially lethal is not because of the drug itself, "But rather those money hungry, greedy drug dealers." 

   Never mind that you can't grow it in a basement, it hasn't threaten to overthrow slave trading organizations, the fact that American forefathers urged the public to start ecstasy labs, the real reason MDMA is the drug of choice for the government? It's just plain safe. And it isn't like any nobles from parliament would ever nickel and dime you. But they may be the greediest, money hungry drug dealers I've ever heard of. 

   And if after a 4 to 1 victory still doesn't prompt some kind of change, you may want to rethink your voting system. 

My Solution to Racism!

My god I hate the French.

   French Canadians not like France French, that would just be wrong. They're too proud. Have you ever been to Quebec? Beautiful place. But the whole province has a staring problem. Ya know, assuming they can spot you past their chin on the horizon. My god those noses are held high.

   And you know they want a parade. If they asked the right people they'd probably get one too. They just haven't yet. They're making us wait and sweat it out til they thrust themselves from those dank, cognac soaked tobacco dens and say, 'Oui, we would like a parade.' I went with cognac, I have no idea what the French drink. 

   My point is this. Tolerance. I get it, I'm all for it but we are a naturally hateful species, people. There's people that wake up in the world fucking hating life for no other reason than they woke up. Trust me I'm one of em. So what does that tell you about us as a society, if there's some amongst us (ahem) that just wake up hateful if we are to succeed as a people. 

   The trick is channeling. I don't hate anyone as a people. I'm not racist, I will never hate someone because of what they believe. But that leaves a lot of blatant unkempt anger out of whack. Makes me hateful, kinda makes me an asshole even. So I chose the French! It's harmless, they look like me so I'm not a racist, they just sound different.  The playground equivalent would be making fun of the kid with the lisp, which I would also never do. There's not enough of them, it's just singling out one poor kid with a speech impediment. Adam Sandler's got it covered I don't wanna tread on his turf. 

   The French! They don't know what I'm saying, if they tell me off it gets me the weirdest kind of aroused and what are they gonna do? Gang up and run away? The best hatred there is! If we can some how angle these KKK guys, and ya know, maybe tell them hurt with words or something. I think we may actually be alright.

Exercise sucks!

   Exercise doesn't make sense. The idea is to get stronger. Have you ever done it? It hurts. Your not any stronger when your laying in pain for days after. It's pathetic. A kitten could rape you and there's little you can do about it other than 'piss off, cat!' 

   Oh but there's ways you can build muscle faster to prevent such feline molestation, the protein shake. There's an enjoyable glass of liquid chalk when your sweating in places you didn't know could sweat and just need a drink. Good thing I went for the expensive crap flavoured chalk drink. And yes. Chocolate chalk has a flavour, it's crap. 

   Want to prevent that awful muscle pain of futile accomplishment? Creatine! To relocate all the body's water to your muscles. Which isn't good because we're mostly water and I'm barely muscle.... Where are we on the Matrix anyways?!

  

My dog's retarded!

   My dogs retarded. And I know a lot of people say their dogs are retarded but my dog legitimately needs a helmet. I read an article a while ago, five signs your dog may have Down syndrome, continuing chasing his tail after he's already caught it and what have you, ha had all of them. He even showed signs of a sixth and seventh that weren't even on the list. It's when he starts eating a swept up pile of glass and doesn't seem to be all that bothered by it that you start to look on the bright side. Things like 'well at least it'll save money in that you probably won't have to put him down'. Just give it time. He's afraid of the neighbours cat. He chased it once and got stuck under the car. The cat realized the dog was stuck and came back to beat the hell out of him. It's pathetic, I have to check to make sure the cats not out before I put the dog out. He's out there strutting around like he owns the place.

  If he were a person he'd be Forrest Gump meets a brain dead pile of stupid. He'd just go around licking things but he can run like the wind. 

When Munchie Runs Go Bad

Going grocery shopping high, is the stupidest fucking thing in the world. A lot of people say don't go hungry, fuck it, go hungry but go sober. I got all lit up and polished off the last bit of Mini-Wheats, and remembered like a crack head found his lucky pipe that Superstore's open 24 hours now. Because they know they're in the weed capital and that I have the will power of a blade of grass.

   I don't even remember most of the process other than the stares and that I made at least one checkout lady horribly uncomfortable. Grabbing sales 'cause I'd be an idiot not to buy it. No memory of what I bought other than I spent 70 dollars. I wake up all proud as hell, grab the roommate to show him all the wonderful things I bought. I spring open the cupboard doors expecting all this great food. I got nothing! I spent 70 dollars on pop tarts, and passion flakies. I could send an army into diabetic shock.

   People reading this may think I have a lot of money that I can spend 70 dollars on different forms of hardened sugar? I have no money! I found a nickel on the sidewalk the other day and had a religious experience. I was crying, people were crossing the street to avoid me. It was awkward.

   But that's half the fun of being poor right? Tearing your couch apart for coins to buy toilet paper. The irony of needing paper money staring you in the face all the way from your ass. Waiting forever for enough money to buy some soap and pissing it away on forty kilos of pop tarts. Maybe my priorities are a little out of whack but my kids got breakfast for a month, and you gotta try the new s'more flavour.

   

Side Effects

  The girlfriend and I were discussing birth control options recently and I've discovered two things. Firstly, I know nothing of the feminine indoor plumbing system and the myriad of pharmaceutical ICBM's honed towards nothing more than killing future babies and making girlies all icky. Second. Leave it to a woman to make not using a condom sound disgusting, problematic and otherwise like a bad idea.

   Everything comes with side effects. And their never the fun ones like laser vision or being able to solve math problems really fast. They were close on one. Viagra! The only drug where the side effect is exactly what it's supposed to do and an exhausted woman. They took it too far though. 'Yea it's gonna work! But there is a chance it's REALLY gonna work. In which case find your local hospital so they can stab you in your favourite body part.' Still worth it?

   It's fucked and it never makes sense. I seen one it was a nasal spray. They then interrupt the ten second span of an older gentleman or soothing lady voice telling you how much better you'll feel to bring you the half hour interlude of terrible shit that this stuff WILL do to you after it possibly relieves your sniffles. At one point the slick talking auctioneer slips in 'possible side effects also include seizures and death but only in a select few. If this occurs discontinue use immediately.' I'm thinking no shit. Who's this sick son of a bitch force feeding me medication when I'm a shrivelled and cold mass of 'really should have bought the tissues instead.' 

  Of course one of my personal favourites is 'suicidal tendencies.' These poor fucking study groups never see em coming do they? I just wanna see the conversation between ma and pa unsuspecting as he ever so slightly lowers that newspaper in bed, removed the glasses and with an enthusiastic breath in, proclaims 'You know Margaret. I think that cold medication is starting to work. I've never breathed so clearly... Spose I'll go kill myself. Yea, may as well end it on a high note.'

   Personally I think we're going about it all wrong. What we should be doing is inventing newer and more gruesome medications in which to kill ourselves and for the sake of good intentions, write on the bottle, 'Warning, may clear sinuses!' No more lawsuits, no more failed hopes. Problem solved.

Poverty's a Son of a Bitch!

I lost my job recently. Like five months ago. Tectonic recent not people recent. Seems an unfortunate flaw in the authoritarian mentality is they don't like all of their mistakes in recent memory laid out before them in list form. Lesson learned.
But the tragedy in all this is it turns out your sort of limited in your actions when your poorer than a hobo. Stuff like eating. Long ago a man would set out for days at a time to provide hunted food for his family. Nowadays we hunt down the elusive two for one and dented cans on clearance. Start pondering extremes like armed robberies and turning your wife for tricks to lonely businessmen in Vegas. It's not glamorous but the American dream none the less.
Suddenly I'm Randy Quaid from the National Lampoon movies just showing up with the fam' for family dinners I wasn't invited to. How long, I wonder before I'm emptying the family shitter into the neighborhood sewer in a bath robe and a Fargo hat.
Quality of household items swan dive into the toilet. One quickly realizes the items that just can't be skimped. Baked spam is not a meal if bombs aren't flying over head. Discount cereal takes on less than subtle monickers. "Frooty Hoops," "Glazed Flakes". Glazed flakes of what, you ask? I don't know but it's cheaper and I can't tell the difference.
One point I can't stress enough is you can not cheap out on toilet paper. Go name brand. If your stuck with no name, go 3 ply. There's nothing worse than a wad disintegrating millimeters before pay dirt, on the path to the ass. You end up looking like the Charmin Bear. But no ones hugging you and you smell like poop.
The child's piggy bank becomes public domain as the car runs on the neighbors fumes. You become opinionated. Asking someone for money then getting offended if they offer money you didn't ask for. You start googling what a kidney can go for on the black market. Disappointedly, you then add on a lung to boost the value.
Boy Scouts collecting bottles for recycling become prey as you stalk them from trimmed hedges and behind mailboxes, dressed in your best camouflage and a demented clown mask so they know your not fucking around. You get rejected for employment at Walmart signaling the cold stone of rock bottom.
But not to worry because these things sort of pan themselves out, right? I hope so. But it doesn't really matter. You can only starve to death once.



Thank You

Thank you Clikkity Clack!

North Americans are the most disgusting people to ever dry hump their way across this planet. We are the black ties at the global party with our noses stuck so high in the air, we actually can't smell our own shit. I hold us responsible for foot stuffing this almost great species into the toilet with no regard for the plumber that has to come after everyone flees the stench and put everything back together. Ok. I may be getting ahead of myself here. What I'm saying is someone dropped the ball.
Let's start from the beginning. There was once a time when there was a caption at the bottom of our tender saying 'exchangeable for worth in gold'. Imagine that. Being able to see and understand what your moneys worth is based on. Instead of some greasy bastard in a three piece telling you that it's a very complicated process that you wouldn't understand. Nowadays it's merely suggested as legal tender. You see the thing about gold is its older than money and will outlive money. Thousands of years ago before greasy three piecers had a say in it, humanity understood gold to be the original and most consistent tender. It's shiny, it doesn't rust, it's easy to mould and universal in its worth.
Enter the intermediary. The Bank. You can't get paid unless you have a bank account. Your bank account is charging you to hold your money that you never asked it to hold in the first place. Not only that but that's not even your money! The money you deposit is used for whatever means the bank feels fit. The money it makes from your money is kept by the bank. The money they lose from your money you also lose and sometimes end up paying the bank. Don't believe me? Look up the great depression. Someone dropped that ball from a thirty story building.
Enter taxes. Forget the fact that your paying the man behind the curtain to sleep during the meetings. Every paycheck we earn has been taxed beyond reason. Even if it's an unemployment check, which is my favorite, a portion is removed from your pay to supplement you in the event of unemployment. You start receiving these checks and look at that. They've been taxed again. You are now paying taxes for your taxes. I assume in the event that your extra laid off. Back to the man behind the curtain. Democracy is described as 'of the people, by the people, for the people', but that's not what we have. Protesters lining the street present a very clear depiction of the people not getting what they ask for ( The Occupy Protests). Police are dispatched and the protest ceases to exist. So if people are no longer able to speak their minds and the people speaking for them decided they don't need a voice are we still a democracy? NO! The second a complete stranger rids me of a voice and starts telling me what's best for my child we enter a dictatorship. Not the foreseeable future, not in our grandchildren's age. But closer to about 300 years ago.
How can that be since we have elections you ask? Simple. Does not Iran hold elections? In a recent election the Iranian president dismissed that his opponent was elected and still reigns supreme. 2004, you think people actually wanted Bush back in power? Clinton was the only president to keep America out of a war and was booted out for getting lucky. I'm sure Bush was a total virgin but selecting leaders based in sexual prowess is somewhat ridiculous. Look at the pope. Again in Canada. 2011 Harper is voted into office. A year later it comes to light that he may have not been voted into office after all. He then takes it upon himself to personally get to the bottom of it. Scandal dropped, Jersey Shore gets another season.
Things as mundane as gas prices sky rocket because of a turbulent East. People instantly become war mongers, crying out to topple these dictatorships that hurt and suppress their citizens. Again, enter the man behind the curtain. These terrible dictatorships weren't always dictatorships. They used to be democracies until they found untold shit tons of oil. Western democracies step in and bestow great autocracies to these poor people to make sure the oil flows without question. Irony at its finest.
But the best part of all of this is it's all being held together by the third world children working for 50 cents a day. Again, the west cries out daily for someone to help these poor children. The world is no longer a world of people divided by borders. We are now a rusty clock of hierarchy reliant on the most bottom rung. People are convinced that as a consumer we are the bottom but this is false. If we stop buying cotton then polyester prices catapult. The company that owns Hostess cakes and other fine diabetic inducing foods also happens to be the same manufacturers of insulin. But if poor Clikkity Clack in Ethiopia gets his ten dollar an hour raise, the world shits itself as the economy evaporates because the bitch of it is, the world is in his hands. No one is going to pay Joe Schmo 30,000 dollars to build them an IPod because that's what his time an the materials are worth.
Without borderline slave labor, western civilization ceases to exist. We can't pay top dollar to have things done because our dollar is worthless without a lesser economy to exploit. Electronics cease to exist. The vast majority of North American occupations get snuffed out without someone to manage. Of course we could go back to farming and the occupations of yester-year, except we can't. The air and water has been poisoned beyond repair and no one even remembers how to do anything without YouTube instructions and a power tool.
So that's it, your saying. We're fucked. And yes, yes we are. Because until North America wakes up and realizes what democracy stands for and what kind of amazing feats we are capable of, we're going to continue spiraling this tremendous crapper. So until humanity stops braying like a gaggle of retarded sheep. Thank you Clikkity Clack. And please don't ask for a raise.


Thank you.

A Very Shitty Topic

It's me and you, you stinky poo.
I'm on this throne til we are through.
I push and push and bite my lip,
"get out you fucker, thou art but shit!"
One more heave, I hear "kerplunk"
And then it hit me that awful funk.
I open the window, I crack the door,
I shed a tear as I fart some more.
And just when I think the worst is over,
I swear to god I fart a clover.
"my luck has changed!" I figure out,
I hear a gurgle, round 2, another bout.
The sun has set, I've no more to poo,
I'm so hungry, I eye the shampoo.
The time has come, I've got to go,
I push the lever. Nothing. "oh no."
One twice I flush three times,
The water goes down, my poop always climbs.
And so the best part of being a father,
"who made this mess?!". " I wonder, the toddler?"

I Wish I Had Boobs

  They did it. The feminists have actually won. But they did so in such a clever way that most chauvinists refuse their victory and still believe that they're on top. You see, we were led to believe that this was going to be a stand up fight of rights versus unequal pay. That their purpose was to be seen as equals on the job market and deserve the same rights as men. We were deceived.
  Sun Tsu once said 'Know thy enemy'. And the evil mammary clad army knows us well. They have been studying us for centuries. Finding our weakness's, and our perversions. What makes us tick and most importantly how we think. Which is unfortunately for me is with my colossal trouser snake I call "The Paradox". They have been experimenting and improving their methods with subtle sophistication. First off, apparently the male mind is easily fooled and widely susceptible to the female Jedi mind tricks. The first phase of the female uprising was in their professions. Be easy on the eyes and pretend that they are easily coerced into sex by a male superior. Once this notion is accepted and embraced by male employers, it becomes common place. Everyone from Lincoln to "I didn't inhale now shut up and swallow," Clinton.
  Phase 2. A female operative is then given the signal to commence Operation Back Pedal. Otherwise knows as the sexual harassment lawsuit. Back Pedal was a huge wrench in the works in that the higher ups of companies are so afraid of being sued and then losing half of their belongings due to the impending divorce of their sleeper agents, that mass hysteria ensues prompting massive female promotions that sweep the corporate world. Ushering in.... The age of The Power Suit.
  Phase 3. Female operatives are now in a decision making position hampered only by the last few proud warriors of the male resistance. They hold true, at first but the constant presence of sweater meat and batted eye lashes steadily corrodes the psychological armour of even our most virtuous guardians. Until all that's left is a sweaty motel room littered with pants suits and push up bras and an ultimatum of "Promotion or court case." We never stood a chance. Turns out that while men spent thousands of years perfecting the art of war and merciless genocide, they were busy perfecting the art of getting into our heads. Only not until recently have we seen the full effects of their psychological warfare.
  They have been spending their entire existence creeping into our heads, implanting key factors that make us drooling, amorphous blobs of horny. And the sick bastards were good at it But their mission digs deeper than that. While the corporate juggernauts of sexuality have been infiltrating our higher forms of decision making, a smaller, lesser known threat has been interloping with our most menial positions.
  Phase 4. End Game. With the enemy posing as occupational acquaintances and 'allies' with the same goal as the rest of us, the final move has been set in motion. Their tactical alibi and disadvantage that makes us feel secure is a ruse to lull us into a false sense of security. We feel like big men! We make more money, we work harder. We pee standing up. Testosterone is great! Enter the masters of psychology. They have spent so much time analysing our brains and reprogramming them, that they now know exactly how we think. The lawsuit is ever present but their are slippery loopholes looming with possibilities and despair for everything. Sure they make less money than us but when asked to complete an impossible task, a bat of the lashes and properly timed back stretch is all that's needed to have the task rerouted to Johnson in accounting so that her day can be cleared for whatever is needed to get that back, back in order.
  So maybe on average they make less money than men, have to try harder to be recognized and succeed, and always turn a sausage fest into a battle of the fittest. But honestly fella's, how many times have YOU actually said know to a hotty. Gentlemen. We lost this war.

Credit And The Powerless Powers That Be

  Something must be done about our credit system. I recently found myself in a jewelry store attempting to buy a big ticket item of matrimonial bondage. (Lucky East Indians and their Bingo dabber wedding symbols.)
  After the long drawn out process of Sven the jewelry clerk guiding me through the display case of consensual castration, it comes time to pay. But guess what. I have worse credit than a Libyan politician. It turns out that paying for expensive things outright and staying on top of your credit card debt gets you nowhere in this economy.
  And it's not even that I have bad credit. I have no credit. It seems that even after a year of going out of my way to use a piece of plastic that in the long run bestows me the great honor of paying twice the actual price for something, ole Consisco's name still doesn't appear on that mystical network of the easily dooped. I then asked the light-footed Sven how one would go about acquiring credit. "Easy," he says. "Just buy an expensive item and take forever paying it off." An expensive item. I suppose that someone forgot to mention to me that a twelve hundred dollar wedding ring registers somewhere in the range of small potatoes in the world of credit. Which left me dumbfounded. I don't have credit because I don't buy stupid expensive things. I can't buy stupid things because I have no credit. That's kind of like being too hungry to be allowed to eat.
  But you can't exist in this world unless you owe someone a substantial amount of money. But I've figured it out. They don't want to give me the expensive items because I can have them paid off before the credit card companies make enough money off of my interest alone to fund a small war. However they are more than willing to continue piling expensive items on people whose finances are spread so Calista Flockhart thin that it will be their grandchildren paying off the annual fees and Playstations but not by choice. Selling a man a loaf of bread is good business. Selling a man a loaf of bread and making him pay for four years at 18 percent interest? Well that's what governments are built on.
  Think about it for a second. Our banks are controlling our individual interest rates, tell us what we can and can't buy and calculate our personal worth by how much we make versus our drag on society. Theoretically the governments could very easily turn to the banks and tell them what interest rates should be and what model they should use to gauge peoples credit rating... EXCEPT these are the same banks dictating the worth of a countries dollar, setting Americas debt ceiling and also cherry picking which countries are entering a recession and which will be miraculously saved by people sponsored bailouts courtesy of the worlds banks.
  Interesting. So if representatives of the people elected by the people are powerless to the concept of a man I'm being forced to pay to hold my money for me, then who is really in charge? Why are we electing political leaders and not financial payment plans. Party ideals as opposed to sound investment packages. Because you're not wanted to know it's all a big wheel to get those in charge more money.
  In fact just about everything that's wrong with this world can all be traced back to a monetary gain. All these super storms, droughts, famines, unprecedented heat waves, etc. The common denominator in this equation of calamity is green house gases, other wise known as air pollution, or GLOBAL WARMING. The greatest contributor to these gases would be internal combustion engines. And no matter what you do for a living, fisherman, Walmart manager or politician; you are contributing to these green house gases. Fishermen's engines run on diesel, Walmart delivery trucks, diesel. And everything about politicians requires a rather hefty gas bill. Limos, Air Force One, Every war they approve. (Let's face it. B52's don't run on smiles and happy thoughts.)
  But why can't we just find an alternative to these world ruining devices. We have. Electric cars have been around since the '60s, have been steadily improving since and haven't a single negative impact on the environment. What about the power plants that charge them? Would they not also destroy the environment? You bet your ass they would, and continue to do so. But here's the kicker. The Earth absorbs enough solar energy in a day to power the entire world for a month.
  Then why aren't these things in use? Doesn't Canada have the biggest electric car manufacturing company in the eastern hemisphere? Yup. However electric cars have been banned in North America, a movement STRONGLY sponsored and supported by certain oil companies. And as for solar power plants? No one owns the rights to the sun so how can they possibly make any money off of it? "Fuck the planet! I need a new Ferrari!"
  So next time theirs a record breaking natural disaster and out nations leaders beg us to start chipping in to cover the tab, join me in a full hearted laugh as they too are completely powerless to the financial ebbs and flows of Satan's Chase Financial. And maybe just ask Patty who cashes your paychecks at the bank, if she wouldn't mind maybe letting a few Somali kids eat today.
  All I wanted was a ring!

Thank You

Mister Washington, This Bud's For You

  I'm constantly appalled at the non-stop criticism canibitarians and potheads alike constantly receive for choosing a relief that leaves them able to think, walk, talk and all other things associated with not being a total asshole unlike the high nosed, self righteous schmucks who feel drinking a potato and throwing up all over someones furniture is a much wiser choice.
  Have we really progressed in the right direction? George Washington, that's right America, your founding father and birth giver of your floundering country; said himself that the almighty leaf was the crop of the future. He believed this notion so strongly that he urged the public and even himself took part in, planting seed after seed of the prosperous weed. (Couldn't help myself on the rhyme scheme.) This miracle crop was to be the defining staple into the future. He figured out early on that there's almost nothing that can't be done with this stuff. Presidents of a later age would then go on to spend billions.. BILLIONS of tax payer dollars on removing and destroying a crop that single handedly has the potential to dig America out of their debt crisis, reduce drastically their dependence on other countries while making enough extra cash to abolish taxes and maybe hit a Grateful Dead concert. There is nothing this super plant can't do. a brief overview would be:
Paper (That's right, we need not be deforesting entire countries to harvest an outdated surface. We can use the shit to roll the shit!), clothes (Cotton companies have been praying for centuries that no one would catch onto this little gem), all things one could do with cotton, wood, cooking spice, laxative, mood stabilizer, an all around good time, the list goes on.
  Let's start with cotton seeing as it is probably the most pressing factor. Someone figures out that cotton can be very useful to civilization. Everything from clothes to Q-tips. The downside? It grows in warm climates, entire fields are needed to sustain a living and once again it grows in the laziest climate of the laziest people ever to uninvitedly set foot in a continent. Not to mention it isn't exactly like you can take a break to roll a cotton spliffy to boost morale. The answer? Slavery! There happens to be an entire continent of hard working folk who don't know their own value and lucky for the white man, are easily tricked into taking long boat rides with total strangers. Which in the future would pave the way for racial hatred, undying animosity, terrible injustices and inequalities and the Fox hit show Cops. (Don't act like you don't see it.). The alternative? Everyone unclenches, puts in a days work if for nothing else that to further humanity. The plus side? An entire race of people need not be forcibly removed from their homes, forced to do the work of lazy people to then later be assimilated into said culture but with less than half of the rights of their "employers". nUnfortunatly Americans learn the value of a days work and possibly lose some weight in the process. This stuff is limitless in its potential. The American solution? Make it illegal, demolish the civilian crops and shift dependence over to cotton. Oh. By the way. The price of cotton is expected to skyrocket!.
  Let's look at it through a different perspective. Pot smoker Johnny has three kids and a wife he loves dearly but is unable to work leaving Johnny the sole provider. Johnny goes to see a concert and brings with him two (2) marijuana cigarettes. Johnny gets arrested. Get your calculators handy. There is now Johnny's public defender to pay for. (By the tax payers). Johnny loses the trial and is sentenced to LIFE IN PRISON. Mrs. Johnny is now broke and along with her three children, must now go on welfare to be fed and clothed. (Using cotton fabrics I might add.). Juniors now grow up with the mentality that dads a criminal so they may as well follow suit. Resorting to crime, eventually themselves being arrested. Now. Take into account the previous billions you have been spending on eradicating this socially stigmatized plant then add that to Johnny's public defender, and three square meals a day for lets say forty years. His medical and dental expenses, housing, utilities, clothing (theres that word again) and finaly burial expenses. Still got your calculator handy? Cause we aint done. Then you have Mrs. Johnny's expenses. Welfare, food, clothing (noticing a trend here?) utilities, housing and of course burial fees. We're still not done. Remember the three juniors? Court fees, housing, meals, clothes (not even going to say it) and so on and so on.
  Break it down. Billions on removal, millions on criminalizing and propaganda. Public defenders, court fees, housing, welfare, clothes, clothes, clothes. Plus some hidden fees in transfering the horrible prisoner, jurors to pay, judges, you see what I'm saying. How can there possibly be enough tax money left over for executions and bank bailouts? Sounds impossible? Guess what. This process has been going on for almost a century.
  Lets get hypothetical. Say it's legal, the government grows fields of it, it's available in your local convenience store and they accept Mastercard! We would be making an almost retarded amount of money from this shit on taxes alone. It's easy to grow and swear to god people would take care of it for free. It would create jobs and reroute or negate the need for future millions of dollars preventing a plant that grows damn near anywhere. Pot smokers would no longer feel like criminals thus taking away their mentality that they need to commit crimes to uphold their image, cut out the need for weed dealers and make a lot of people feel much more comfortable. Saving even more tax money on those special little cops with a grudge against a healthier form of tobacco.
  Histories view point: One would be hard pressed to find a culture or time period where the electric lettuce is not celebrated. The oldest found stash was uncovered recently in a Chinese tomb dating roughly two thousand years ago. Aparently next to some really olf Frito's. The word 'assasin' comes from the Middle Eastern word 'hashassin' meaning hash eater from roughly a thousand years ago. Zig-Zags are apparently a newer invention. Rastafarians have created a religion around the shit. I can't imagine it's overly profound and has a different twist on " psalms mon!" but the point is it's Ramadon not Rumadon. Budweiserology probably won't catch either. Even today presidents are scoring California votes by simply admitting that they inhaled, (If that's how it works than I should be a fucking king!), even though they hypocritically continue their blind crusade of futility. Only recently has the populace of North America began fearing and vilifying an evil whose greatest downside is a mean hankering for Hickory Sticks.
  History of alcohol: Five thousand years of people waking up beside total strangers wondering why they have a tattoo that they don't remember having before said binge. Barbarians, violent invaders, armies of hostile nations celebrated with alcohol.
  Negative health effects of alcohol: Liver disease, kidney problems, alcoholism, alcohol poison, car accidents, child deformities, murders, Paris Hilton and everything else associated with not being able to think or function properly.
  Negative health effects of pot: Not frigging one. Oh, it may not be medicinal. You might cough and your probably going to want to eat. I suggest Party Mix, it's got a little bit of everything.
   Well there you have it. The best reasons for legalizing the herb from debt crisis solutions to Paris Hilton. From Q-Tips to George Washington. So the next time the American constitution finds itself horribly askew of its original form to better fit someones needs, remember just how far you've actually come from your countries roots.
  So turn off and tune in. Relax and unwind whilst I roach this bad boy and spark another one.
  Mister Washington, this bud's for you!

Thank You

Kids Shows And The Need For Another Cold War

  What in the name of all that is good and holy are we trying to do to our children? Have you watched a kids show recently? We have gone from The Buggs Bunny The Destroyer and Tweety The Treacherous Show and Woody I Said Don't Fuck With Me Woodpecker to Handjobby Manny and the Backdoorigans. Jesus Christ if I hear one more song about sharing, a clock tower and a high powered semi automatic weapon may be in my near future. They're too nice. What happened to the trap doors and malfunctioning rockets and rabbits in drag? The answer? Rabbits in drag don't know how to take a joke.
  We are now living in a world of seriously emotional people. The art of this generation, kids shows or otherwise, is taking a serious hit from running nosed cry babies who somehow became the voice for the crowd the managed to be accepted into. And for every crowd is an emotionally damaged spokesperson poised to strike into the spotlight of equal rights to tip the equality slightly even more in their favor. You know who else cried foul when their voice wasn't heard? Hitler. that's right. Every time sniffly little Adolf couldn't get his way he closed parliament forcing a vote putting more and more of his pals in those seats of equality in Third Reich Parliament and look how well that panned out for the world. I find this analogy fitting because it works. The scales of equality are horribly tilted in some directions. Example: A lovable rabbit can no longer hit a deserving duck with a comically unrealistic frying pan in the head because it promotes violence. However. The pope. That's right, THE POPE can publicly ridicule the use of condoms because they promote sex in teens, the spread of diseases and homosexuality. Hmm. Which could be more dangerous? A laughing child or unwed teenage mother afraid to practice safe sex with a possibility or carrying some fun sex bug. Think it through.
  And for the sake of our planets animals we need another cold war. Preferably the Russians. We don't want to be racist, just demographically intolerant. We are running out of animals to vilify. We are going to end up with an entire generation of weasel hating adults on a crusade to rid the world of kleptomaniac rodents. I'm even willing to bite the bullet first. What if instead of being afraid of Swiper the thieving weasel, Dora could face off against Merl the Arkansas poacher. I know why. Because poachers are real and we don't want our children to figure out that sometimes bad things happen. Boots doesn't always escape from the net and society has been known to fail from time to time. These poor bastards are in for a huge wake up call when standing on the playground no one sings about equality and instead the bully decides a punch in the gut is just as effective as a carefully choreographed, spiffy little tune.
  So your right. Let's shelter our children from the stupidity we have created and brought upon ourselves and keep them safe from harm. Absolutely! But guess what people. Violence can be funny, Jar Jar Binks is not a slight against black people, Sponge Bob is not gay (I'm pretty sure sponges don't even have sex organs) and sometimes rabbits just like to feel pretty. So please. Can we stop with the god damned songs?

Thank You

Online Dating

  The world is a cold and lonely place. It's a harsh reality that the only way to make it in this world and to not die alone is to be beautiful, either on the exterior or deep down inside. Now luckily some of us have been blessed with both but what about those poor chuds with the face of a train wreck and the heart of a sex offender. Centuries ago they would have been forced to wander the world alone roaming from brothel to brothel in search of an unfortunate as equally ugly as them. Luckily for them we stand in the twenty-first century where everything from true love to free Viagra samples are just a lonely, limp click away.
   It broke my heart recently to hear that one in five relationships start by online dating. Another way to look at this is one in five people are Lord Of The Rings fans. But have we really turned a corner on perpetual loneliness or are we really just giving these horse faced losers one more reason to give up. I'm certain these people aren't so much happy as much as the pair have realized they are equally undesirable and decided that dying with someone they loathe and wouldn't touch with a forty foot pole is better than to die trying to find someone they would be happy with. Now don't get me wrong, there are some out there who merely suffer a social handicap and the removal of the face to face encounter is really all they need to be able to communicate with the fairer sex. Or same sex. Hell, at least it's sex with someone else. But if you just flat out refuse to even try talking to someone then maybe dating, online or otherwise, isn't for you. You know what might be? Porn. Lot's of porn. Like forty years worth of porn. And the beautiful part about internet porn is forty years later when erectile dysfunction and generations of self abuse take hold, if you can summon the energy to drag the mouse slightly to the right, you can order yourself some free Viagra and keep the lonely party going.
  But seriously people talk to someone you're attracted to. Because whether or not your bald, fat, gay, have an addiction to porn and need Viagra to function or just plain suffer from your run of the mill anxiety; we're all douchebags. And even if you're Kanye West, being a complete and utter douchebag, makes you one Fugly chud.


     So in short. Put down the lotion, fake some confidence, avoid dating schemes, and Kanye West is a douche.          

                                    Thank You

Serial Killers And The World Of Conformity

  It's starting to bug me how no one ever realizes that their easy going, well spoken, ever polite neighbor has a basement full of bodies and a rusty hack saw to boot. Have we really never caught on that it's always the quiet ones. It's always, "He was such a nice guy. Quiet. Twitched a lot but nice."
  I'm sick of it. I want the raving fucking lunatics with a chainsaw collection and a pentagram on their front lawn made out of animal skulls. You never see the interviewed neighbor constantly looking around, mostly at the neighbors house saying, "The man was fucking nuts! He once bit my dog then paraded around the block in his underwear playing the drum line from 'Hot for Teacher' by Van Halen on his exposed stomach because he said JFK told him to."
  As a society of the sick hiding behind the depraved, we've grown accustomed to the routine of mediocrity. No one ever reaches higher. We're all too busy trying to fit in that even serial killers are afraid of straying outside the box. Which personally I find more terrifying than my overly polite neighbor. Why? Because creativity is necessary to the human endeavor. If our most bold thinking murders hide behind social norms of unimaginative identities than what does that say about the free thinkers of today? Have our DaVinci's  and Socrates of modern era run out of exciting new ideas and just pitch shitty movie ideas?
  China is in the midst of an imagination crisis! I can't make this shit up. Meaning an entire countries worth of social output and entertainment are all recycled ideas from last year. Are we doomed to the same fate? After all China is responsible for 90 percent of the worlds entertainment platforms. It's a domino effect people. If our imagination is dependent on the interactions we have than as a whole, we're screwed.
  More people on this planet would rather veg out to hours of endless video games than pick up a book. And I'm not complaining. I am worried however because these game heads are doomed to repeat the same level set in a different country time and time again.
  Television and various other dictators of how humanity should behave is stuck in a downward spiral of mental handicap. The important issues we face today is not how easy we find it to stab a friend in the back for an over taxed cash prize (though it is concerning), or how skinny we should be to comply with social standards or even how long we should cry about fictional breakups and revel in the absolutely retarded drama that has no place in this or any other time. (Hey Gossip Girl.... XOXO Fuck Off And Die!)
  My point is this people. We're all slaves to modern convention and refuse to throw away the shackles that tie us in bondage to the world of ratings and prime-time television. So serial killers I'm counting on you to beak the world free of its blindfolded optimism and change the world for the necessary.
   So say it loud. Say it proud.
   "I KILL BITCHES FOR FUN!"
                                                              Thank you.

End Starvation, Eat the Obese

  It's a sad fact that a HUGE (pardon the pun) percentage of the worlds population is ungodly obese while an equally staggering number of people continue to go hungry. And I'm not just talking fat. I'm talking Marlon Brando in a fat suit fat. Fat Bastard fat. Precious fat.
  But where is the answer? Moderation? Hilarious. "Maybe I'll get a diet coke with my three Big Mac meals."
  Maybe the other way with depriving North Americans of their favorite pastime to feed the needy? Nay Nay. I say let them eat cake and trans fats and deep fried bananas and wait until they are too weak from digestive exhaustion to fight back, throw their tubby asses onto an airplane and drop them like leaflets to all the hungry people with barbecue sauce and a dash of basil.
  "Really?!" You must be saying by now. "Waste good basil?! Is it really necessary to resort to cannibalism?" And the answer? Probably. Because the brass tacks of the situation is that the oceans will be unable to sustain life in a matter of years. Rain forests and wildlife are disappearing faster than people who snitched on Rupert Murdoch and until people can master the art of opening a condom wrapper the demand is only going to get higher.
   But Instead of abandoning fossil fuels and power plants of mass destruction for the energy that the big glowing bastard in the sky creates and just all together smartening up we'd rather watch music videos and shitty movie remakes and Brangolina adopt a single starving child in a country of starving children. That's like letting a single ant live than pissing on the anthill to put out the fire that you started.
  Instead of fixing the easily fixable problems, people are too focused on the important issues like copyright infringement, miracle hair growth products and keeping America in the black long enough to keep dropping bombs. But I suppose they've got things under control, after all it's hard to be hungry when you're too busy trying to find your legs.
  Let's follow the chain of stupidity shall we? The general population cries to feed the hungry. They turn to their governments. The same governments who's endless search for world domination leaves entire countries homeless and hungry. World domination meaning they tell the people of the world what to accept and how to make their lives "normal". The people voted for these governments and refuse to reexamine the global situation thus choosing to contribute to the suffering of millions and adding to the mentality that the world is something to be conquered. So I ask you. Who's fault is it for the continues deaths of entire populations? The greedy governments for choosing to pursue the 'All American Dream' of a single world flag? Or the people for continuing to put these people in power and refusing to put their foot down about what really matters in the world.
  So the next time a COUNTRY goes starving, I don't want to see any commercials payed for by the rich staring even richer celebrities asking the poor to feed the slightly more poor. No. Instead I should see public advisories and posters littering streets to change in a definitive way, our government and all the things that they 'stand for'. Because unless we pull our heads out of our collective asses, we may as well grow another set of canines and acquire a taste for uncle Bob. After all once all of those hungry kids and poor countries cease to exist and America goes bankrupt and becomes another starving third world country, who do you think will be ponying the bill to feed us.