They did it. The feminists have actually won. But they did so in such a clever way that most chauvinists refuse their victory and still believe that they're on top. You see, we were led to believe that this was going to be a stand up fight of rights versus unequal pay. That their purpose was to be seen as equals on the job market and deserve the same rights as men. We were deceived.
Sun Tsu once said 'Know thy enemy'. And the evil mammary clad army knows us well. They have been studying us for centuries. Finding our weakness's, and our perversions. What makes us tick and most importantly how we think. Which is unfortunately for me is with my colossal trouser snake I call "The Paradox". They have been experimenting and improving their methods with subtle sophistication. First off, apparently the male mind is easily fooled and widely susceptible to the female Jedi mind tricks. The first phase of the female uprising was in their professions. Be easy on the eyes and pretend that they are easily coerced into sex by a male superior. Once this notion is accepted and embraced by male employers, it becomes common place. Everyone from Lincoln to "I didn't inhale now shut up and swallow," Clinton.
Phase 2. A female operative is then given the signal to commence Operation Back Pedal. Otherwise knows as the sexual harassment lawsuit. Back Pedal was a huge wrench in the works in that the higher ups of companies are so afraid of being sued and then losing half of their belongings due to the impending divorce of their sleeper agents, that mass hysteria ensues prompting massive female promotions that sweep the corporate world. Ushering in.... The age of The Power Suit.
Phase 3. Female operatives are now in a decision making position hampered only by the last few proud warriors of the male resistance. They hold true, at first but the constant presence of sweater meat and batted eye lashes steadily corrodes the psychological armour of even our most virtuous guardians. Until all that's left is a sweaty motel room littered with pants suits and push up bras and an ultimatum of "Promotion or court case." We never stood a chance. Turns out that while men spent thousands of years perfecting the art of war and merciless genocide, they were busy perfecting the art of getting into our heads. Only not until recently have we seen the full effects of their psychological warfare.
They have been spending their entire existence creeping into our heads, implanting key factors that make us drooling, amorphous blobs of horny. And the sick bastards were good at it But their mission digs deeper than that. While the corporate juggernauts of sexuality have been infiltrating our higher forms of decision making, a smaller, lesser known threat has been interloping with our most menial positions.
Phase 4. End Game. With the enemy posing as occupational acquaintances and 'allies' with the same goal as the rest of us, the final move has been set in motion. Their tactical alibi and disadvantage that makes us feel secure is a ruse to lull us into a false sense of security. We feel like big men! We make more money, we work harder. We pee standing up. Testosterone is great! Enter the masters of psychology. They have spent so much time analysing our brains and reprogramming them, that they now know exactly how we think. The lawsuit is ever present but their are slippery loopholes looming with possibilities and despair for everything. Sure they make less money than us but when asked to complete an impossible task, a bat of the lashes and properly timed back stretch is all that's needed to have the task rerouted to Johnson in accounting so that her day can be cleared for whatever is needed to get that back, back in order.
So maybe on average they make less money than men, have to try harder to be recognized and succeed, and always turn a sausage fest into a battle of the fittest. But honestly fella's, how many times have YOU actually said know to a hotty. Gentlemen. We lost this war.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Tuesday, August 09, 2011
Credit And The Powerless Powers That Be
Something must be done about our credit system. I recently found myself in a jewelry store attempting to buy a big ticket item of matrimonial bondage. (Lucky East Indians and their Bingo dabber wedding symbols.)
After the long drawn out process of Sven the jewelry clerk guiding me through the display case of consensual castration, it comes time to pay. But guess what. I have worse credit than a Libyan politician. It turns out that paying for expensive things outright and staying on top of your credit card debt gets you nowhere in this economy.
And it's not even that I have bad credit. I have no credit. It seems that even after a year of going out of my way to use a piece of plastic that in the long run bestows me the great honor of paying twice the actual price for something, ole Consisco's name still doesn't appear on that mystical network of the easily dooped. I then asked the light-footed Sven how one would go about acquiring credit. "Easy," he says. "Just buy an expensive item and take forever paying it off." An expensive item. I suppose that someone forgot to mention to me that a twelve hundred dollar wedding ring registers somewhere in the range of small potatoes in the world of credit. Which left me dumbfounded. I don't have credit because I don't buy stupid expensive things. I can't buy stupid things because I have no credit. That's kind of like being too hungry to be allowed to eat.
But you can't exist in this world unless you owe someone a substantial amount of money. But I've figured it out. They don't want to give me the expensive items because I can have them paid off before the credit card companies make enough money off of my interest alone to fund a small war. However they are more than willing to continue piling expensive items on people whose finances are spread so Calista Flockhart thin that it will be their grandchildren paying off the annual fees and Playstations but not by choice. Selling a man a loaf of bread is good business. Selling a man a loaf of bread and making him pay for four years at 18 percent interest? Well that's what governments are built on.
Think about it for a second. Our banks are controlling our individual interest rates, tell us what we can and can't buy and calculate our personal worth by how much we make versus our drag on society. Theoretically the governments could very easily turn to the banks and tell them what interest rates should be and what model they should use to gauge peoples credit rating... EXCEPT these are the same banks dictating the worth of a countries dollar, setting Americas debt ceiling and also cherry picking which countries are entering a recession and which will be miraculously saved by people sponsored bailouts courtesy of the worlds banks.
Interesting. So if representatives of the people elected by the people are powerless to the concept of a man I'm being forced to pay to hold my money for me, then who is really in charge? Why are we electing political leaders and not financial payment plans. Party ideals as opposed to sound investment packages. Because you're not wanted to know it's all a big wheel to get those in charge more money.
In fact just about everything that's wrong with this world can all be traced back to a monetary gain. All these super storms, droughts, famines, unprecedented heat waves, etc. The common denominator in this equation of calamity is green house gases, other wise known as air pollution, or GLOBAL WARMING. The greatest contributor to these gases would be internal combustion engines. And no matter what you do for a living, fisherman, Walmart manager or politician; you are contributing to these green house gases. Fishermen's engines run on diesel, Walmart delivery trucks, diesel. And everything about politicians requires a rather hefty gas bill. Limos, Air Force One, Every war they approve. (Let's face it. B52's don't run on smiles and happy thoughts.)
But why can't we just find an alternative to these world ruining devices. We have. Electric cars have been around since the '60s, have been steadily improving since and haven't a single negative impact on the environment. What about the power plants that charge them? Would they not also destroy the environment? You bet your ass they would, and continue to do so. But here's the kicker. The Earth absorbs enough solar energy in a day to power the entire world for a month.
Then why aren't these things in use? Doesn't Canada have the biggest electric car manufacturing company in the eastern hemisphere? Yup. However electric cars have been banned in North America, a movement STRONGLY sponsored and supported by certain oil companies. And as for solar power plants? No one owns the rights to the sun so how can they possibly make any money off of it? "Fuck the planet! I need a new Ferrari!"
So next time theirs a record breaking natural disaster and out nations leaders beg us to start chipping in to cover the tab, join me in a full hearted laugh as they too are completely powerless to the financial ebbs and flows of Satan's Chase Financial. And maybe just ask Patty who cashes your paychecks at the bank, if she wouldn't mind maybe letting a few Somali kids eat today.
All I wanted was a ring!
After the long drawn out process of Sven the jewelry clerk guiding me through the display case of consensual castration, it comes time to pay. But guess what. I have worse credit than a Libyan politician. It turns out that paying for expensive things outright and staying on top of your credit card debt gets you nowhere in this economy.
And it's not even that I have bad credit. I have no credit. It seems that even after a year of going out of my way to use a piece of plastic that in the long run bestows me the great honor of paying twice the actual price for something, ole Consisco's name still doesn't appear on that mystical network of the easily dooped. I then asked the light-footed Sven how one would go about acquiring credit. "Easy," he says. "Just buy an expensive item and take forever paying it off." An expensive item. I suppose that someone forgot to mention to me that a twelve hundred dollar wedding ring registers somewhere in the range of small potatoes in the world of credit. Which left me dumbfounded. I don't have credit because I don't buy stupid expensive things. I can't buy stupid things because I have no credit. That's kind of like being too hungry to be allowed to eat.
But you can't exist in this world unless you owe someone a substantial amount of money. But I've figured it out. They don't want to give me the expensive items because I can have them paid off before the credit card companies make enough money off of my interest alone to fund a small war. However they are more than willing to continue piling expensive items on people whose finances are spread so Calista Flockhart thin that it will be their grandchildren paying off the annual fees and Playstations but not by choice. Selling a man a loaf of bread is good business. Selling a man a loaf of bread and making him pay for four years at 18 percent interest? Well that's what governments are built on.
Think about it for a second. Our banks are controlling our individual interest rates, tell us what we can and can't buy and calculate our personal worth by how much we make versus our drag on society. Theoretically the governments could very easily turn to the banks and tell them what interest rates should be and what model they should use to gauge peoples credit rating... EXCEPT these are the same banks dictating the worth of a countries dollar, setting Americas debt ceiling and also cherry picking which countries are entering a recession and which will be miraculously saved by people sponsored bailouts courtesy of the worlds banks.
Interesting. So if representatives of the people elected by the people are powerless to the concept of a man I'm being forced to pay to hold my money for me, then who is really in charge? Why are we electing political leaders and not financial payment plans. Party ideals as opposed to sound investment packages. Because you're not wanted to know it's all a big wheel to get those in charge more money.
In fact just about everything that's wrong with this world can all be traced back to a monetary gain. All these super storms, droughts, famines, unprecedented heat waves, etc. The common denominator in this equation of calamity is green house gases, other wise known as air pollution, or GLOBAL WARMING. The greatest contributor to these gases would be internal combustion engines. And no matter what you do for a living, fisherman, Walmart manager or politician; you are contributing to these green house gases. Fishermen's engines run on diesel, Walmart delivery trucks, diesel. And everything about politicians requires a rather hefty gas bill. Limos, Air Force One, Every war they approve. (Let's face it. B52's don't run on smiles and happy thoughts.)
But why can't we just find an alternative to these world ruining devices. We have. Electric cars have been around since the '60s, have been steadily improving since and haven't a single negative impact on the environment. What about the power plants that charge them? Would they not also destroy the environment? You bet your ass they would, and continue to do so. But here's the kicker. The Earth absorbs enough solar energy in a day to power the entire world for a month.
Then why aren't these things in use? Doesn't Canada have the biggest electric car manufacturing company in the eastern hemisphere? Yup. However electric cars have been banned in North America, a movement STRONGLY sponsored and supported by certain oil companies. And as for solar power plants? No one owns the rights to the sun so how can they possibly make any money off of it? "Fuck the planet! I need a new Ferrari!"
So next time theirs a record breaking natural disaster and out nations leaders beg us to start chipping in to cover the tab, join me in a full hearted laugh as they too are completely powerless to the financial ebbs and flows of Satan's Chase Financial. And maybe just ask Patty who cashes your paychecks at the bank, if she wouldn't mind maybe letting a few Somali kids eat today.
All I wanted was a ring!
Thank You
Thursday, August 04, 2011
Mister Washington, This Bud's For You
I'm constantly appalled at the non-stop criticism canibitarians and potheads alike constantly receive for choosing a relief that leaves them able to think, walk, talk and all other things associated with not being a total asshole unlike the high nosed, self righteous schmucks who feel drinking a potato and throwing up all over someones furniture is a much wiser choice.
Have we really progressed in the right direction? George Washington, that's right America, your founding father and birth giver of your floundering country; said himself that the almighty leaf was the crop of the future. He believed this notion so strongly that he urged the public and even himself took part in, planting seed after seed of the prosperous weed. (Couldn't help myself on the rhyme scheme.) This miracle crop was to be the defining staple into the future. He figured out early on that there's almost nothing that can't be done with this stuff. Presidents of a later age would then go on to spend billions.. BILLIONS of tax payer dollars on removing and destroying a crop that single handedly has the potential to dig America out of their debt crisis, reduce drastically their dependence on other countries while making enough extra cash to abolish taxes and maybe hit a Grateful Dead concert. There is nothing this super plant can't do. a brief overview would be:
Paper (That's right, we need not be deforesting entire countries to harvest an outdated surface. We can use the shit to roll the shit!), clothes (Cotton companies have been praying for centuries that no one would catch onto this little gem), all things one could do with cotton, wood, cooking spice, laxative, mood stabilizer, an all around good time, the list goes on.
Let's start with cotton seeing as it is probably the most pressing factor. Someone figures out that cotton can be very useful to civilization. Everything from clothes to Q-tips. The downside? It grows in warm climates, entire fields are needed to sustain a living and once again it grows in the laziest climate of the laziest people ever to uninvitedly set foot in a continent. Not to mention it isn't exactly like you can take a break to roll a cotton spliffy to boost morale. The answer? Slavery! There happens to be an entire continent of hard working folk who don't know their own value and lucky for the white man, are easily tricked into taking long boat rides with total strangers. Which in the future would pave the way for racial hatred, undying animosity, terrible injustices and inequalities and the Fox hit show Cops. (Don't act like you don't see it.). The alternative? Everyone unclenches, puts in a days work if for nothing else that to further humanity. The plus side? An entire race of people need not be forcibly removed from their homes, forced to do the work of lazy people to then later be assimilated into said culture but with less than half of the rights of their "employers". nUnfortunatly Americans learn the value of a days work and possibly lose some weight in the process. This stuff is limitless in its potential. The American solution? Make it illegal, demolish the civilian crops and shift dependence over to cotton. Oh. By the way. The price of cotton is expected to skyrocket!.
Let's look at it through a different perspective. Pot smoker Johnny has three kids and a wife he loves dearly but is unable to work leaving Johnny the sole provider. Johnny goes to see a concert and brings with him two (2) marijuana cigarettes. Johnny gets arrested. Get your calculators handy. There is now Johnny's public defender to pay for. (By the tax payers). Johnny loses the trial and is sentenced to LIFE IN PRISON. Mrs. Johnny is now broke and along with her three children, must now go on welfare to be fed and clothed. (Using cotton fabrics I might add.). Juniors now grow up with the mentality that dads a criminal so they may as well follow suit. Resorting to crime, eventually themselves being arrested. Now. Take into account the previous billions you have been spending on eradicating this socially stigmatized plant then add that to Johnny's public defender, and three square meals a day for lets say forty years. His medical and dental expenses, housing, utilities, clothing (theres that word again) and finaly burial expenses. Still got your calculator handy? Cause we aint done. Then you have Mrs. Johnny's expenses. Welfare, food, clothing (noticing a trend here?) utilities, housing and of course burial fees. We're still not done. Remember the three juniors? Court fees, housing, meals, clothes (not even going to say it) and so on and so on.
Break it down. Billions on removal, millions on criminalizing and propaganda. Public defenders, court fees, housing, welfare, clothes, clothes, clothes. Plus some hidden fees in transfering the horrible prisoner, jurors to pay, judges, you see what I'm saying. How can there possibly be enough tax money left over for executions and bank bailouts? Sounds impossible? Guess what. This process has been going on for almost a century.
Lets get hypothetical. Say it's legal, the government grows fields of it, it's available in your local convenience store and they accept Mastercard! We would be making an almost retarded amount of money from this shit on taxes alone. It's easy to grow and swear to god people would take care of it for free. It would create jobs and reroute or negate the need for future millions of dollars preventing a plant that grows damn near anywhere. Pot smokers would no longer feel like criminals thus taking away their mentality that they need to commit crimes to uphold their image, cut out the need for weed dealers and make a lot of people feel much more comfortable. Saving even more tax money on those special little cops with a grudge against a healthier form of tobacco.
Histories view point: One would be hard pressed to find a culture or time period where the electric lettuce is not celebrated. The oldest found stash was uncovered recently in a Chinese tomb dating roughly two thousand years ago. Aparently next to some really olf Frito's. The word 'assasin' comes from the Middle Eastern word 'hashassin' meaning hash eater from roughly a thousand years ago. Zig-Zags are apparently a newer invention. Rastafarians have created a religion around the shit. I can't imagine it's overly profound and has a different twist on " psalms mon!" but the point is it's Ramadon not Rumadon. Budweiserology probably won't catch either. Even today presidents are scoring California votes by simply admitting that they inhaled, (If that's how it works than I should be a fucking king!), even though they hypocritically continue their blind crusade of futility. Only recently has the populace of North America began fearing and vilifying an evil whose greatest downside is a mean hankering for Hickory Sticks.
History of alcohol: Five thousand years of people waking up beside total strangers wondering why they have a tattoo that they don't remember having before said binge. Barbarians, violent invaders, armies of hostile nations celebrated with alcohol.
Negative health effects of alcohol: Liver disease, kidney problems, alcoholism, alcohol poison, car accidents, child deformities, murders, Paris Hilton and everything else associated with not being able to think or function properly.
Negative health effects of pot: Not frigging one. Oh, it may not be medicinal. You might cough and your probably going to want to eat. I suggest Party Mix, it's got a little bit of everything.
Well there you have it. The best reasons for legalizing the herb from debt crisis solutions to Paris Hilton. From Q-Tips to George Washington. So the next time the American constitution finds itself horribly askew of its original form to better fit someones needs, remember just how far you've actually come from your countries roots.
So turn off and tune in. Relax and unwind whilst I roach this bad boy and spark another one.
Mister Washington, this bud's for you!
Have we really progressed in the right direction? George Washington, that's right America, your founding father and birth giver of your floundering country; said himself that the almighty leaf was the crop of the future. He believed this notion so strongly that he urged the public and even himself took part in, planting seed after seed of the prosperous weed. (Couldn't help myself on the rhyme scheme.) This miracle crop was to be the defining staple into the future. He figured out early on that there's almost nothing that can't be done with this stuff. Presidents of a later age would then go on to spend billions.. BILLIONS of tax payer dollars on removing and destroying a crop that single handedly has the potential to dig America out of their debt crisis, reduce drastically their dependence on other countries while making enough extra cash to abolish taxes and maybe hit a Grateful Dead concert. There is nothing this super plant can't do. a brief overview would be:
Paper (That's right, we need not be deforesting entire countries to harvest an outdated surface. We can use the shit to roll the shit!), clothes (Cotton companies have been praying for centuries that no one would catch onto this little gem), all things one could do with cotton, wood, cooking spice, laxative, mood stabilizer, an all around good time, the list goes on.
Let's start with cotton seeing as it is probably the most pressing factor. Someone figures out that cotton can be very useful to civilization. Everything from clothes to Q-tips. The downside? It grows in warm climates, entire fields are needed to sustain a living and once again it grows in the laziest climate of the laziest people ever to uninvitedly set foot in a continent. Not to mention it isn't exactly like you can take a break to roll a cotton spliffy to boost morale. The answer? Slavery! There happens to be an entire continent of hard working folk who don't know their own value and lucky for the white man, are easily tricked into taking long boat rides with total strangers. Which in the future would pave the way for racial hatred, undying animosity, terrible injustices and inequalities and the Fox hit show Cops. (Don't act like you don't see it.). The alternative? Everyone unclenches, puts in a days work if for nothing else that to further humanity. The plus side? An entire race of people need not be forcibly removed from their homes, forced to do the work of lazy people to then later be assimilated into said culture but with less than half of the rights of their "employers". nUnfortunatly Americans learn the value of a days work and possibly lose some weight in the process. This stuff is limitless in its potential. The American solution? Make it illegal, demolish the civilian crops and shift dependence over to cotton. Oh. By the way. The price of cotton is expected to skyrocket!.
Let's look at it through a different perspective. Pot smoker Johnny has three kids and a wife he loves dearly but is unable to work leaving Johnny the sole provider. Johnny goes to see a concert and brings with him two (2) marijuana cigarettes. Johnny gets arrested. Get your calculators handy. There is now Johnny's public defender to pay for. (By the tax payers). Johnny loses the trial and is sentenced to LIFE IN PRISON. Mrs. Johnny is now broke and along with her three children, must now go on welfare to be fed and clothed. (Using cotton fabrics I might add.). Juniors now grow up with the mentality that dads a criminal so they may as well follow suit. Resorting to crime, eventually themselves being arrested. Now. Take into account the previous billions you have been spending on eradicating this socially stigmatized plant then add that to Johnny's public defender, and three square meals a day for lets say forty years. His medical and dental expenses, housing, utilities, clothing (theres that word again) and finaly burial expenses. Still got your calculator handy? Cause we aint done. Then you have Mrs. Johnny's expenses. Welfare, food, clothing (noticing a trend here?) utilities, housing and of course burial fees. We're still not done. Remember the three juniors? Court fees, housing, meals, clothes (not even going to say it) and so on and so on.
Break it down. Billions on removal, millions on criminalizing and propaganda. Public defenders, court fees, housing, welfare, clothes, clothes, clothes. Plus some hidden fees in transfering the horrible prisoner, jurors to pay, judges, you see what I'm saying. How can there possibly be enough tax money left over for executions and bank bailouts? Sounds impossible? Guess what. This process has been going on for almost a century.
Lets get hypothetical. Say it's legal, the government grows fields of it, it's available in your local convenience store and they accept Mastercard! We would be making an almost retarded amount of money from this shit on taxes alone. It's easy to grow and swear to god people would take care of it for free. It would create jobs and reroute or negate the need for future millions of dollars preventing a plant that grows damn near anywhere. Pot smokers would no longer feel like criminals thus taking away their mentality that they need to commit crimes to uphold their image, cut out the need for weed dealers and make a lot of people feel much more comfortable. Saving even more tax money on those special little cops with a grudge against a healthier form of tobacco.
Histories view point: One would be hard pressed to find a culture or time period where the electric lettuce is not celebrated. The oldest found stash was uncovered recently in a Chinese tomb dating roughly two thousand years ago. Aparently next to some really olf Frito's. The word 'assasin' comes from the Middle Eastern word 'hashassin' meaning hash eater from roughly a thousand years ago. Zig-Zags are apparently a newer invention. Rastafarians have created a religion around the shit. I can't imagine it's overly profound and has a different twist on " psalms mon!" but the point is it's Ramadon not Rumadon. Budweiserology probably won't catch either. Even today presidents are scoring California votes by simply admitting that they inhaled, (If that's how it works than I should be a fucking king!), even though they hypocritically continue their blind crusade of futility. Only recently has the populace of North America began fearing and vilifying an evil whose greatest downside is a mean hankering for Hickory Sticks.
History of alcohol: Five thousand years of people waking up beside total strangers wondering why they have a tattoo that they don't remember having before said binge. Barbarians, violent invaders, armies of hostile nations celebrated with alcohol.
Negative health effects of alcohol: Liver disease, kidney problems, alcoholism, alcohol poison, car accidents, child deformities, murders, Paris Hilton and everything else associated with not being able to think or function properly.
Negative health effects of pot: Not frigging one. Oh, it may not be medicinal. You might cough and your probably going to want to eat. I suggest Party Mix, it's got a little bit of everything.
Well there you have it. The best reasons for legalizing the herb from debt crisis solutions to Paris Hilton. From Q-Tips to George Washington. So the next time the American constitution finds itself horribly askew of its original form to better fit someones needs, remember just how far you've actually come from your countries roots.
So turn off and tune in. Relax and unwind whilst I roach this bad boy and spark another one.
Mister Washington, this bud's for you!
Thank You
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
Kids Shows And The Need For Another Cold War
What in the name of all that is good and holy are we trying to do to our children? Have you watched a kids show recently? We have gone from The Buggs Bunny The Destroyer and Tweety The Treacherous Show and Woody I Said Don't Fuck With Me Woodpecker to Handjobby Manny and the Backdoorigans. Jesus Christ if I hear one more song about sharing, a clock tower and a high powered semi automatic weapon may be in my near future. They're too nice. What happened to the trap doors and malfunctioning rockets and rabbits in drag? The answer? Rabbits in drag don't know how to take a joke.
We are now living in a world of seriously emotional people. The art of this generation, kids shows or otherwise, is taking a serious hit from running nosed cry babies who somehow became the voice for the crowd the managed to be accepted into. And for every crowd is an emotionally damaged spokesperson poised to strike into the spotlight of equal rights to tip the equality slightly even more in their favor. You know who else cried foul when their voice wasn't heard? Hitler. that's right. Every time sniffly little Adolf couldn't get his way he closed parliament forcing a vote putting more and more of his pals in those seats of equality in Third Reich Parliament and look how well that panned out for the world. I find this analogy fitting because it works. The scales of equality are horribly tilted in some directions. Example: A lovable rabbit can no longer hit a deserving duck with a comically unrealistic frying pan in the head because it promotes violence. However. The pope. That's right, THE POPE can publicly ridicule the use of condoms because they promote sex in teens, the spread of diseases and homosexuality. Hmm. Which could be more dangerous? A laughing child or unwed teenage mother afraid to practice safe sex with a possibility or carrying some fun sex bug. Think it through.
And for the sake of our planets animals we need another cold war. Preferably the Russians. We don't want to be racist, just demographically intolerant. We are running out of animals to vilify. We are going to end up with an entire generation of weasel hating adults on a crusade to rid the world of kleptomaniac rodents. I'm even willing to bite the bullet first. What if instead of being afraid of Swiper the thieving weasel, Dora could face off against Merl the Arkansas poacher. I know why. Because poachers are real and we don't want our children to figure out that sometimes bad things happen. Boots doesn't always escape from the net and society has been known to fail from time to time. These poor bastards are in for a huge wake up call when standing on the playground no one sings about equality and instead the bully decides a punch in the gut is just as effective as a carefully choreographed, spiffy little tune.
So your right. Let's shelter our children from the stupidity we have created and brought upon ourselves and keep them safe from harm. Absolutely! But guess what people. Violence can be funny, Jar Jar Binks is not a slight against black people, Sponge Bob is not gay (I'm pretty sure sponges don't even have sex organs) and sometimes rabbits just like to feel pretty. So please. Can we stop with the god damned songs?
We are now living in a world of seriously emotional people. The art of this generation, kids shows or otherwise, is taking a serious hit from running nosed cry babies who somehow became the voice for the crowd the managed to be accepted into. And for every crowd is an emotionally damaged spokesperson poised to strike into the spotlight of equal rights to tip the equality slightly even more in their favor. You know who else cried foul when their voice wasn't heard? Hitler. that's right. Every time sniffly little Adolf couldn't get his way he closed parliament forcing a vote putting more and more of his pals in those seats of equality in Third Reich Parliament and look how well that panned out for the world. I find this analogy fitting because it works. The scales of equality are horribly tilted in some directions. Example: A lovable rabbit can no longer hit a deserving duck with a comically unrealistic frying pan in the head because it promotes violence. However. The pope. That's right, THE POPE can publicly ridicule the use of condoms because they promote sex in teens, the spread of diseases and homosexuality. Hmm. Which could be more dangerous? A laughing child or unwed teenage mother afraid to practice safe sex with a possibility or carrying some fun sex bug. Think it through.
And for the sake of our planets animals we need another cold war. Preferably the Russians. We don't want to be racist, just demographically intolerant. We are running out of animals to vilify. We are going to end up with an entire generation of weasel hating adults on a crusade to rid the world of kleptomaniac rodents. I'm even willing to bite the bullet first. What if instead of being afraid of Swiper the thieving weasel, Dora could face off against Merl the Arkansas poacher. I know why. Because poachers are real and we don't want our children to figure out that sometimes bad things happen. Boots doesn't always escape from the net and society has been known to fail from time to time. These poor bastards are in for a huge wake up call when standing on the playground no one sings about equality and instead the bully decides a punch in the gut is just as effective as a carefully choreographed, spiffy little tune.
So your right. Let's shelter our children from the stupidity we have created and brought upon ourselves and keep them safe from harm. Absolutely! But guess what people. Violence can be funny, Jar Jar Binks is not a slight against black people, Sponge Bob is not gay (I'm pretty sure sponges don't even have sex organs) and sometimes rabbits just like to feel pretty. So please. Can we stop with the god damned songs?
Thank You
Online Dating
The world is a cold and lonely place. It's a harsh reality that the only way to make it in this world and to not die alone is to be beautiful, either on the exterior or deep down inside. Now luckily some of us have been blessed with both but what about those poor chuds with the face of a train wreck and the heart of a sex offender. Centuries ago they would have been forced to wander the world alone roaming from brothel to brothel in search of an unfortunate as equally ugly as them. Luckily for them we stand in the twenty-first century where everything from true love to free Viagra samples are just a lonely, limp click away.
It broke my heart recently to hear that one in five relationships start by online dating. Another way to look at this is one in five people are Lord Of The Rings fans. But have we really turned a corner on perpetual loneliness or are we really just giving these horse faced losers one more reason to give up. I'm certain these people aren't so much happy as much as the pair have realized they are equally undesirable and decided that dying with someone they loathe and wouldn't touch with a forty foot pole is better than to die trying to find someone they would be happy with. Now don't get me wrong, there are some out there who merely suffer a social handicap and the removal of the face to face encounter is really all they need to be able to communicate with the fairer sex. Or same sex. Hell, at least it's sex with someone else. But if you just flat out refuse to even try talking to someone then maybe dating, online or otherwise, isn't for you. You know what might be? Porn. Lot's of porn. Like forty years worth of porn. And the beautiful part about internet porn is forty years later when erectile dysfunction and generations of self abuse take hold, if you can summon the energy to drag the mouse slightly to the right, you can order yourself some free Viagra and keep the lonely party going.
But seriously people talk to someone you're attracted to. Because whether or not your bald, fat, gay, have an addiction to porn and need Viagra to function or just plain suffer from your run of the mill anxiety; we're all douchebags. And even if you're Kanye West, being a complete and utter douchebag, makes you one Fugly chud.
So in short. Put down the lotion, fake some confidence, avoid dating schemes, and Kanye West is a douche.
It broke my heart recently to hear that one in five relationships start by online dating. Another way to look at this is one in five people are Lord Of The Rings fans. But have we really turned a corner on perpetual loneliness or are we really just giving these horse faced losers one more reason to give up. I'm certain these people aren't so much happy as much as the pair have realized they are equally undesirable and decided that dying with someone they loathe and wouldn't touch with a forty foot pole is better than to die trying to find someone they would be happy with. Now don't get me wrong, there are some out there who merely suffer a social handicap and the removal of the face to face encounter is really all they need to be able to communicate with the fairer sex. Or same sex. Hell, at least it's sex with someone else. But if you just flat out refuse to even try talking to someone then maybe dating, online or otherwise, isn't for you. You know what might be? Porn. Lot's of porn. Like forty years worth of porn. And the beautiful part about internet porn is forty years later when erectile dysfunction and generations of self abuse take hold, if you can summon the energy to drag the mouse slightly to the right, you can order yourself some free Viagra and keep the lonely party going.
But seriously people talk to someone you're attracted to. Because whether or not your bald, fat, gay, have an addiction to porn and need Viagra to function or just plain suffer from your run of the mill anxiety; we're all douchebags. And even if you're Kanye West, being a complete and utter douchebag, makes you one Fugly chud.
So in short. Put down the lotion, fake some confidence, avoid dating schemes, and Kanye West is a douche.
Thank You
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