When Munchie Runs Go Bad

Going grocery shopping high, is the stupidest fucking thing in the world. A lot of people say don't go hungry, fuck it, go hungry but go sober. I got all lit up and polished off the last bit of Mini-Wheats, and remembered like a crack head found his lucky pipe that Superstore's open 24 hours now. Because they know they're in the weed capital and that I have the will power of a blade of grass.

   I don't even remember most of the process other than the stares and that I made at least one checkout lady horribly uncomfortable. Grabbing sales 'cause I'd be an idiot not to buy it. No memory of what I bought other than I spent 70 dollars. I wake up all proud as hell, grab the roommate to show him all the wonderful things I bought. I spring open the cupboard doors expecting all this great food. I got nothing! I spent 70 dollars on pop tarts, and passion flakies. I could send an army into diabetic shock.

   People reading this may think I have a lot of money that I can spend 70 dollars on different forms of hardened sugar? I have no money! I found a nickel on the sidewalk the other day and had a religious experience. I was crying, people were crossing the street to avoid me. It was awkward.

   But that's half the fun of being poor right? Tearing your couch apart for coins to buy toilet paper. The irony of needing paper money staring you in the face all the way from your ass. Waiting forever for enough money to buy some soap and pissing it away on forty kilos of pop tarts. Maybe my priorities are a little out of whack but my kids got breakfast for a month, and you gotta try the new s'more flavour.

   

Side Effects

  The girlfriend and I were discussing birth control options recently and I've discovered two things. Firstly, I know nothing of the feminine indoor plumbing system and the myriad of pharmaceutical ICBM's honed towards nothing more than killing future babies and making girlies all icky. Second. Leave it to a woman to make not using a condom sound disgusting, problematic and otherwise like a bad idea.

   Everything comes with side effects. And their never the fun ones like laser vision or being able to solve math problems really fast. They were close on one. Viagra! The only drug where the side effect is exactly what it's supposed to do and an exhausted woman. They took it too far though. 'Yea it's gonna work! But there is a chance it's REALLY gonna work. In which case find your local hospital so they can stab you in your favourite body part.' Still worth it?

   It's fucked and it never makes sense. I seen one it was a nasal spray. They then interrupt the ten second span of an older gentleman or soothing lady voice telling you how much better you'll feel to bring you the half hour interlude of terrible shit that this stuff WILL do to you after it possibly relieves your sniffles. At one point the slick talking auctioneer slips in 'possible side effects also include seizures and death but only in a select few. If this occurs discontinue use immediately.' I'm thinking no shit. Who's this sick son of a bitch force feeding me medication when I'm a shrivelled and cold mass of 'really should have bought the tissues instead.' 

  Of course one of my personal favourites is 'suicidal tendencies.' These poor fucking study groups never see em coming do they? I just wanna see the conversation between ma and pa unsuspecting as he ever so slightly lowers that newspaper in bed, removed the glasses and with an enthusiastic breath in, proclaims 'You know Margaret. I think that cold medication is starting to work. I've never breathed so clearly... Spose I'll go kill myself. Yea, may as well end it on a high note.'

   Personally I think we're going about it all wrong. What we should be doing is inventing newer and more gruesome medications in which to kill ourselves and for the sake of good intentions, write on the bottle, 'Warning, may clear sinuses!' No more lawsuits, no more failed hopes. Problem solved.